Do you value friendly relations with your
colleagues? Are you proud of being a nice person who would never pick a
fight? Unfortunately, you might be just
as responsible for group dysfunction as
your more combative team members. That’s because it’s a problem when you shy
away from open, healthy conflict about the issues. If you think you’re “taking
one for the team” by not rocking the boat, you’re deluding yourself.
Teams need conflict to function
effectively. Conflict allows the team to
come to terms with difficult situations, to synthesize diverse perspectives, and to make sure solutions are
well thought-out . Conflict is
uncomfortable, but it is the source of true innovation and also a critical
process in identifying and mitigating
risks.
Still, I meet people every day who admit that
they aren’t comfortable with conflict.
They worry that disagreeing might hurt someone’s feelings or
disrupt harmonious team dynamics. They
fret that their perspective isn’t as
valid as someone else’s, so they hold back.
Sure, pulling your punches might help you
maintain your self-image as a nice person, but you do so at the cost of getting
your alternative perspective on the table; at the cost of challenging faulty
assumptions; and at the cost of highlighting hidden risks. That’s a high cost to pay for nice.
To overcome these problems, we need a new
definition of nice. In this version of nice, you surface your differences of opinion,
you discuss the uncomfortable issues, and you put things on the table where
they can help your team move forward.
The secret of having healthy conflict and
maintaining your self-image as a nice person is all in the mindset and the
delivery.
To start shifting your mindset, think about
your value to the team not in how often you agree, but in how often you add
unique value. If all you’re doing is
agreeing with your teammates, you’re redundant . So start by telling yourself “it’s my
obligation to bring a different perspective than what others are bringing.”
Grade yourself on how much value you bring on a topic.
Here are a few tips on improving your
delivery:
1. Use “and,” not “but.” When you need to
disagree with someone, express your contrary opinion as an “and.” It’s not
necessary for someone else to be wrong for you to be right. When you are surprised to hear something a
teammate has said, don’t try to trump
it, just add your reality. “You think we need to leave room in the
budget for a customer event and I’m concerned that we need that money for
employee training. What are our options?”
This will engage your teammates in problem solving, which is
inherently collaborative instead of
combative.
2. Use hypotheticals . When someone disagrees
with you, don’t take them head on—being contradicted doesn’t feel very
good. Instead, a useful tactic is to ask
about hypothetical situations and to get them imagining. (Imagining is the
opposite of defending, so it gets the brain out of a rut.) If you are meeting
resistance to your ideas, try asking your teammates to imagine a different
scenario. “I hear your concern about getting the right sales people to pull off
this campaign. If we could get the right people…what could the campaign look
like?
3. Ask about the impact. Directing open-ended
questions at your teammate is also useful.
If you are concerned about a proposed course of action, ask your
teammates to think through the impact of implementing their plan. “Ok, we’re
contemplating launching this product to
only our U.S. customers. How is that going to land with our two big customers
in Latin America?” This approach feels
much less aggressive than saying “Our Latin American customers will be angry.” Anytime you can demonstrate that you’re open
to ideas and curious about the right approach, it will open up the discussion
(and you’ll preserve your reputation as a nice person).
4. Discuss the underlying issue. Many conflicts on a team spiral out of
control because the parties involved aren’t on the same page. If you disagree with a proposed course of
action, instead of complaining about the solution, start by trying to
understand what’s behind the suggestion. If you understand the reasoning, you
might be able to find another way to accomplish the same goal. “I’m surprised
you suggested we release the sales figures to the whole team. What is your goal
in doing that?” Often conflict arises when one person tries to solve a problem
without giving sufficient thought to the options or the impact of those actions. If you agree that the problem they are trying
to solve is important, you will have common ground from which to start
sleuthing toward answers.
5. Ask for help. Another tactic for “nice
conflict” is to be mildly self-deprecating and to own the misunderstanding. If something is really surprising to you
(e.g., you can’t believe anyone would propose anything so crazy), say so. “I’m missing something here. Tell me how this
will address our sales gap for Q1.” If the person’s idea really doesn’t hold
water, a series of genuine, open questions that come from a position of helping
you understand will likely provide other teammates with the chance to help
steer the plan in a different direction.
Conflict — presenting a different point of
view even when it is uncomfortable — is critical to team effectiveness.
Diversity of thinking on a team is the
source of innovation and growth. It is also the path to identifying and
mitigating risks. If you find yourself shying away from conflict, use one of
these techniques to make it a little easier.
The alternative is withholding your concerns,
taking them up outside of the team, and slowly eroding trust and
credibility. That’s not nice at all.
